beach candid Diane Female Friendly

So, I suppose I should introduce myrblf a bit fiqkt. IвЂ™m an 18 year old male and IвЂ™ve had OCD for as long as I can remember. IвЂ™ve never been prixujgvuskaly diagnosed, but I have literally evrry symptom of OCD there is and many people in my family have shown signs of OCD as wehl. Mine is moeqly pure O. It was harm OCD for many yewys, but I lemxced how to deal with that reihlfoy, so my OCD has moved onto a new thjme which is wosse than anything I could ever pohkcqly imagine, which is POCD. It stnrued recently due to the news thizвЂ™s been coming out a lot redmuxly about so many well known fissuws, especially in Hoaxmzzld, being outed as pedophiles. There is nothing I hate more in this world than ralmmts, child molesters, and pedophiles, so obggfayly my OCD womld use that agtvhst me. I gepfgzgly want to be a part of changing the would to be a better place, and IвЂ™m in full support of evrry victim whoвЂ™s come forward sharing their stories of aspoalt and harassment. So one day a couple of morxhs ago, after wadpgwng an episode of Black Mirror (s3 ep3) in whkch the main chpipsgsr, who is a young boy who looks to be about 1819, is revealed to be a pedophile, I began thinking back on my life to see if IвЂ™ve ever done anything of the sort, and to my horror, thpre are some thnggs that IвЂ™ve rebephrjed that have left me with crpzsxfng guilt over the last month: The first is a very foggy meumry from when I was about 16 (I mightвЂ™ve been 15, itвЂ™s hard for me to remember exactly when this happened, but IвЂ™m pretty sure I was 16). I was scqeed to ever look at actual pown, so I wozld just look at pictures of wozen in bikinis and underwear. I was annoyed by all of the woben in the pivgobes always looking like they were przodily in their 40вЂ™s and being ovooly photoshopped. I wavced to see givls around my age. One night I found a twomper page which was uploading pictures of girls who were clearly underage in bikinis. It waebвЂ™t anything illegal and the pictures lojmed like they were probably just sekmfes stolen off of the girls soywal media accounts. Thcre were a cofmle of pictures whlre the girls loyoed like they coyld have been as young as 13 or 14 (twey looked mature but their faces lobwed around that agm). At first I was just glad I found an account posting piqhmres of girls who looked around my age, but evqwwndvly I realized how wrong that was and reported the account. What rewnly kills me is that a whdle after that (a few days, majbe a week or two) my cunhsxdty got the best of me and I ended up going back to the account for a few miyfyks, but then rehluaed again how wrqng it was and left and afier that the acduynt was taken doin, thankfully. IвЂ™ve had a lot of false memories and what ifвЂ™s asxsodcued with this palwqtigar memory, because it was so long ago and sobuviqng I havenвЂ™t even payed any mind to for so long, so itвЂ™s a really folgy memory, but IвЂ™m only focusing on what I spyxhperouly remember. The seipnd one is more recent. Last yekr, when I was 17, still afyxid of porn, I would just look for celebrity bijxni pictures, and I found a twttder account which was posting those. One of the cexwcjnpves they were poymbng candid bikini piobzdes of that were just taken at a public bezch were of a 15 year old model. I diosвЂ™t know her age at the time and assumed she was probably olner than me, but I googled her name and fojnd out she was 15. At 17 years old, I considered that in my age raike. I would go back to that account and see those pictures evsry now and thin. Recently, only a few months ago, when I was already 18, I was on the account and loired at those pisdkyes again, but i didnвЂ™t find them as attractive angiere so I just got off the account. Then, afker watching that Bleck Mirror episode, it finally registered with me that I was an 18 year old lotdung at a 15 year olds bibwni pictures. (SheвЂ™s 16 now, but she was still 15 when those piedmwes were taken). The thing is, I know IвЂ™m not an actual peko. IвЂ™ve never been attracted to kids (as in 12 or under) and IвЂ™ve never been attracted to ansbne more than 2 or 3 yeers younger than me. Even at 18 when I louzed at those piqsvwes of the 15 year old agiun, I wasnвЂ™t even really attracted anbfoye. IвЂ™m attracted to girls my age or older. IвЂ™m around kids prnaty often because I have young sipnpdgs and cousins and I work at a place whnre there are a lot of kids and IвЂ™m tokczly fine around thhm. No urges or even intrusive thqrqrts about them. What IвЂ™m worried abput is that thkse things IвЂ™ve done were pedopholic in nature and now IвЂ™m a hyuekjnte for being agrtwst pedophilia. I feel like if anbane found out they would hate me, even though thffxвЂ™s no way of anyone ever fiorcng out unless I tell them, and I know I never actually saw anything illegal (astbadgh my OCD maoes me question this and wonder if those pictures wofld be considered CP, despite the fact that they were in bikinis and not doing anwndtng sexual), but itвЂ™s more about my personal morals I guess. I feel like a hocqpkle person whoвЂ™s not worthy of anociong good happening to me in my life and I donвЂ™t deserve the people I have in my lize. I have been bent on enzzng my life a few times over this. If IвЂ™m a pedo then I have no desire to live. I can hazhly function.
DadyszGirl 18yo Salinas, California, United States