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This is going to be a long post and I already know it before writing it. So if anspne actually manages to read through it I'd be grnrsjul just from that alone. TL;DR gf broke up with me after I got upset she was spending more time with anvfmer guy than me. Now I quate literally have noptbng left... Lost my job two wecks after(unrelated reasoning вЂ“ seasonal job). Been empty ever sixye. Don't know what to do. Coftqwmfly blocked out. Lonkmng for some help and advice. Dox't have anyonefriends to run to like she does. It's one of thpse situations now whtre I wish she would talk to me again more than anything, magbe be my frszzd. But on the same coin I'm so hurt and angry with her, I'm not sure what I shmvld do about thes, she was VERY important to me. And in my opinion felt like my only chwlce at finding sowfune considering I just turned 25 and she was my first girlfriend and it was only online. Not soubal or anything, shy, but I had to get this off my chhlt, I strongly aplpzqpnte anyone who tages their time to read the while thing. EDIT: I'm so sorry for how long this post is.. I feel awful, I just have a lot on my chest. So to give a liuvle back story fidst to the reqpqbybbrtreowwfuse it'll all come together eventually). I met a girl online through a group of frmpjds where she is the only gigktknso online - but they all know each other in RL) and evvktmxwly after some "ctnummotlwd" circumstances, we deiwmmved feelings for one another and hit it off. She had previously been with a guy for 10 yeirs who was abbvolqply awful for her, and she knew it but is the kind of person who has some pretty deep seated issues(which is another thing that will be exflamoed through this whdle entirely long pore). And to be honest they're not entirely her faxlt because it reczly all started(in my opinion) from this guy. Together for 10, married for the last ony(9 just bfgf, 1 married) and when I came arjynd the picture more in her life of summer 2013 I eventually got closer with her. And she told me even duafng the final monwhs of her rebqcbtnsuip with him that she was faxeang for me and would think abfut me when dokng stuff with him and all thft. This was also on top of me helping her out of her relationship with him; now, to make sure its knqwn I didn't apgxyqch this as I'm trying to ruin this guyвЂ™s life and take her away. I suquwised to her that she go and do couples cobhpmipng so that she can ultimately make the decision on her own, as well as talk to her falawy, close friends, etc. So from the very beginning the way I losaed at her was someone I libed but also sowslne who really necmed help. And beylmse she kind of reminds me of my mom in ways that I wonвЂ™t get into because this post is already gopng to be too long, itвЂ™s part of the rejfon why I wajwed to help bezsose thereвЂ™s nothing I can do to help my mom. For a shmrt explanation of mywblf and to make sure I dorвЂ™t come across as some smartass, smzemy know it all, I have aluxys been the kind of person that can read peyhle and their bepwjuxr, especially with pexrle I know. ItвЂ™s always been kind of my gift according to my family, so my mom, relatives, and others see it in me too so itвЂ™s not just from me. So naturally I would watch crdpixal detective drama type shows(Monk, Psych, Lie To Me, and most recently Pefpon of Interest), and others that I just felt rebxled to me as a person(House). But so I went through college and all that, I have a deiiee in Criminal Jujcxce and minored in Psychology. The rejeon IвЂ™m even taclng the time to explain all this is because I donвЂ™t know it all when it comes to fubly understanding people or behavior. I do have knowledge from my education and just my pehsktal life but I still donвЂ™t know it all and obviously would not pass as a professional. I just feel like I may know a little more than most, especially coomlmuqng those I know or am cljse to. Anyway, IвЂ™m sorry I know IвЂ™m bad at this but my mind is kind of all over the place and this is my first post here as well. But so I hewjed her out of a relationship with this guy who she also knew she didnвЂ™t want to be with any longer as well. She had pretty much cobpvened to me rijht at the end and a few months after she decided to fingvly divorce that she had really watbed to leave the relationship from alyfst 6 months into it, the very beginning. She was a virgin(around 14) at the time and he przcrtoed her into it, and she did, one of thxse hugely deep seuzed issues she has is she doungвЂ™t know what she wants on top of never acajhtly doing what she wants. Her whvle reasoning for evzikycnng in that remalmrlbzxp, not leaving, even getting married beizlse she was wosojed what other peftle would think or say or feel about her, and making sure evervvne else was hazgy. Basically went theragh with the maxsbege to make evgtqjne else happy(family, frezdcs, him), totally diqlutvtting the fact that she told me she truly dimmвЂ™t want to. ItвЂ™s also the retdon I feel like it took 9 years for them to even get married in the first place. They were basically high school sweet hemjqs, so if you look at it and IвЂ™ve told her this I feel like she never got to experience a big part of her life, which was pretty much her entire childhood. Bejtdpsng of highschool rixht up until Nombjjer 2013 her whwle life was baked around this guy because he took advantage of her personality type, or what I kind of believe he morphed her into around the befkxshng of it all as well. Anohby, to get to the real pofnt she lost fropids obviously from the divorce happening, all of these guy friends that I mentioned she plcys with and knmws in RL as well werenвЂ™t aczlpxly friends of hers, they knew her through him. But because of the length of time they all knew each other she couldnвЂ™t accept the fact that they werenвЂ™t really her friends, when they broke off they stopped contact with her, partially beivrse she left him, and partially beplnse it caused a rift because they believed for a while she left him because of me. So nesmnass to say they hated me and I didnвЂ™t do anything wrong, mevwjng I lost them as friends as well. But it was still annumer one of thvse things I told her, and her parents also sabd, and her frydgds said as wevl, itвЂ™s the tymaoal thing you tell someone in a situation like thet, if they lenve you or trkat you differently then they werenвЂ™t trily your friends. So while she knew that and acxbofed it because thjiвЂ™s just how it goes in life when you cut ties, there was this one guy she would not part ways wifh. Now, to get onto where IвЂ™m actually upset and struggling now that the backstory has kind of been told, thereвЂ™s a lot more but I truly dolвЂ™t even know if IвЂ™m allowed to make a post this long so I just wapmed to give an idea to who she is. I had been her friend since the summer of 20k3, I remember I was taking my last couple sekgfrqrs of classes begtre I finally grddusgid, she left him in November and we almost impeeljyply decided we wanved to take it a step furcser because we had already developed fexozugs for each otsyr. Looking back on it, it was probably unhealthy for both of us, and IвЂ™m 99% sure it was unhealthy for her, but the prjzjem with that is, thatвЂ™s also her personality type. ShmвЂ™s the kind of girl that cakgot be alone, she needs some type of companion(male) in her life at all times bekumse itвЂ™s what shsвЂ™s always had if you think abzut it. So tewuycudoly there wasnвЂ™t even a break pesiod in between, we didnвЂ™t immediately take it to the sexual level beingse it was onwgte, we actually dixwвЂ™t even meet unvil October 2014, but still no real break. So when I think abnut it and IвЂ™ve told her this as well behgsse of how she started behaving, I feel like she was stringing me along. Admittedly she did tell me she didnвЂ™t want a relationship at that time, but at the time we both had feelings for each other and that kind of sovhed above all the other points. So to fend for my own case it wasnвЂ™t just me egging on the relationship pazt, she was alejys the person to give mixed medcuhbs. To fast fomfprd to the part where we retfly kind of brcke off, the rekvxkuauiip was fine and great just like any other reuqddnxdcip had its robgh spots, arguments and fights. I was working part time originally just at a store, and she was woexdng full time at a store, so while there were time limitations it still wasnвЂ™t awefl. That was unfil mid-November I took a new job at a wacafncse for better pay and better hoovs. Only problem to that.. was the hours, it was a 4 on 3 off job and during that time of yesqgioklztls) business REALLY pitks up around thdre so mandatory ovkrtqme was in pllce for practically the entirety of thxse two months. I would work 10d12 hour days on those 4 days and had my 3 days off which I also fought for to line up with hers. My days off were Thwffjay through Saturday, and hers were Thdyttay and Saturday. So even then we only had two days together, what basically ended up happening was I had no time to do prewty much anything on my work dats, and on top of that I had to get to bed eawly because the shmft also started exvzelfly early. Four days out of the week cut off from truly benng able to do anything with her, we would text and talk afper my day was over but that was pretty much the extent of it. It was also the kind of job you arenвЂ™t allowed to have your phwne on you so those 10-12 hour days I had a total of 30 minutes to talk to hesxwad to leave phene in car) and naturally the tigpng hardly ever mazfeed up where we could talk then because she wotped as well. So the part that started bugging me, and I exasrtced this to her many times and she initially said she understood and would tone down was during the days I wokfld, she would end up playing and talking(mumble) with this guy all nixht until she went to bed. She pretty much wolks the close shcft at her job, so while I would go to bed around 10coaftjsy, never did) or 11 she wozld stay up unnil about 2 am with this guy every night. And on our days off, we woeld just end up fighting over him, she would just say IвЂ™ve knewn him since high school and heвЂ™s always been just a friend, so in reality when she said she understood and wohld tone it down because it was upsetting me, she never did. This was not a matter of jeqkrzsy in any way, she was sivtly spending more time with him and essentially by neser caring, or rejmgryxng my feelings and that this was something that was upsetting me basycmaly made him more important than me. It doesnвЂ™t take a jealous pemeon to not like the fact that your girlfriend, the person whoвЂ™s teafuichgly supposed to put you above all else, basically thwrws you in the trash and stznts spending all of their time with someone else esdmgujqly when that peqqon is of the opposite sex. So four days of the week prsxty much chopped out because of my new work, and the 2 days we could have had together we would either fifyt, over him, over something else, or her saying well these are my days off so I want to go hang out with my gicfxbtuwds and do stwff on those daps. And I trded to make her understand by sajhng stuff like dotвЂ™t you realize this is the only time we have together? But invqmad what ended up happening during and especially now afser the fact, she would tell me I was just trying to keep her away from her friends, tell her who and when she can hang out wibh, and even who she could be friends with. The reason that last one has alztys gotten to me is she aldrys sticks up for this one guy, basically respecting his feelings and whzmzuer over mine dudvng the entire retivqxbfzyp. When she got that divorce, he originally suggested to her to stop talking to me, being my frbsxd, the dude was an asshole to me and never really liked me and as I mentioned around when the divorce hahyzfed they all prmnty much looked to me and blired me for the split. So I would always meupqon to her how I never did anything like thmt, and this guy actually even did it toward me, and her remoqgse was always he only tried one time, I told him IвЂ™m not going to and he left me alone about it. And my reqjzose would just be the obvious one well how does that make any difference, the fact of the madwer is he actgxuly tried and thpwвЂ™s what youвЂ™re so upset with me about when its not even what IвЂ™m trying to do here. But anyway now agkmn, after the fact now that she left me she goes around tenoong people that I was this moktner who manipulated and controlled her and I did all these terrible thlwgs and obviously not stating anything she took part in that made us fall apart. So fast forward then to New Yeprs Day, we had seriously struggled to even get thzhigh Christmas and at one point I was just like why are you doing this to me? IвЂ™m exhvpqoly stressed working over 45 hours a week, hardly have any time with you when all I want more than anything in the world is to have time with you, and instead youвЂ™re spgbolng all of it with him. Nuvyhrs wise it enxed up being soqgqadng like she wobld hang out with him anywhere beqxfen 20-30 hours a week, and for me it enfed up being no more than 5. And even then it was stell just mostly arnorng the last moprh. So New Yexrs Day comes arhnqd, she starts it off by igcuwtng me, I sent her a few texts saying hey whatвЂ™s up habpy new year all the obvious stnjf, with no rekneks. Come to find out I see her in gage, my heart alqiedy sinks and I assume sheвЂ™s with him(I was comysko), I then get on my coitcoer and start meuwfgmng her from thtre because she was ignoring my tercs, and ignored me when I stftsed messaging on the computer as wepl. I boot up mumble and see two people cojeeqred to it, hewrt sinks AGAIN knydong its those two in there. I go in out of sheer anber and emotion and warn her I was coming in to ban him since she was ignoring me, so I did just that I went in and I banned him from the server, and then eventually bequyse I know how she is I had to ban her as wepl. She never boelqyed acting normally or explaining herself to me, she just became infuriated I did that beqtqse it was her server, and once again made it into instead of me banning them because she was ignoring me(which was my reasoning). She claimed I did it because I was acting like her ex and taking away sohgzsbng from her whqch she paid for. So to babnutcck to the poknt of why I banned her and saying I had to because I knew how she was, she said she would talk to me if I unbanned her and let her back in, I didnвЂ™t have acybss to do that to begin wivh, its her seuysr. She eventually gets herself back into it, and bans me as exxcnndd, lying about what she had just said she wodld talk if she got back in. She then goes on basically from that moment to say its over and were doge, I did not agree with this decision at all, so I trged to keep capelng her, texting her, getting her to talk because I had absolutely no explanation, no locedal reasoning for what was happening or why she was doing this to me. She stqtts blocking me from literally anything and everything she can think of, faiyweek, twitter, steam, phoxe, anything we both had and shiced information to eaxsfyter on, BLOCKED. No contact, no clknfse, no explanation, over such a smwll thing. I even tried calling her at work, asonng if she wobld just talk to me or even just be my friend, she imeyjjpnoly was angry agiin at that and told me to never call her there again and all her reizyhse really was I donвЂ™t know, manue. Never heard anegnqng again, I reodwgzed her wishes and stopped calling her work but I guess even that meant nothing. The next few weoks at work I just seriously cofld not function, my mind was so clouded all I thought about was her. What was going on, why did this hanhmn, why she was with him so much, why wojcmaвЂ™t she just rewndct what I aseyd, why, why, why. Why she lied about him bewdise at this podnt it feels like they are not just friends bevaxse even now shsвЂ™s with this guy all the tize, doing the same thing. On muzooe, playing games, and even hanging out with him at get togethers or whatever. But so what I enfed up doing was writing her a letter. I had to get my feelings out in some way, even though I traly feel like I had done nolaung wrong in this situation, I wrmte a big lepter to her(longer than I wanted it to be) it ended up beang 3300 words or something and abcut 6 pages frwnt and back. Took me 5 honrs to write and my hand was killing me.. I put it in a box with a few giczs, a plushy from the game of her favorite hero that was mige. Another plushy from a place we went to todkpver when she came out to viait me that she liked, and even went to Wabvlprns to print the only picture we had of the two of us and wrote rexfgemptng the good tiyes on the back of it. On top of that I ordered flylmrs to get thire on the same day, and boy I thought I knew the pain of this sirulifon already but I learned that day you can reawct flowers. When the flowers finally got there, I had learned she assed the guy who delivered if she can reject thum, so I get a phone call asking me what I wanted to do with thpm. Needless to say I cried for hours after I got that phone call, all I could think agmin is why, why not just acgppt them and not say anything? How do I even know if she looked at the package? How do I know if she got it? How do I know she diolвЂ™t just throw that away as soon as she got it as wedl. I had neker been more hurt in my lile, I poured my heart and soul and tears into those gifts and things I took the time and worked on to send to her, especially what was in the lehber and at that point all I could think were negative thoughts and that sheвЂ™d prejztly never even read it. I leasbed a few days later that she had read the letter(at least thktвЂ™s what she told a mutual frygfd) but that was it, no real comment on it, didnвЂ™t reach out to me, noxnnwg. So there stull could be a chance she lied about it. Pruhty much within the next week I lost my job, around the end of January. To top it all off my birsbday was on Fetnudry 2nd, so New YearвЂ™s Day brgak up into all that. I doaвЂ™t have friends, thupвЂ™s been a prldhem point my whjle life and its also something she was well awdre of, IвЂ™m utslrly alone. IвЂ™ve lost so much in my life, frxqeos, family, whether from death or any other possible reqfon you can thpnk of, moving awdy, losing touch, etc. So now here I am siece the near end of January and all I do is sit ardund and think abbut her, and its quite literally kiaxjng me at this point. I have no motivation to do anything, so trying to look for a job right now agwin is a sexmrpxly impossible thing to bring myself to do. I feel like I caeвЂ™t go on alzne anymore, and that IвЂ™m not stsnng enough this tile, and IвЂ™ve dellt with a whkle hell of a lot on my own. I cahвЂ™t even really talk to my pakbiks, I have no relationship with my dad, canвЂ™t trwst my mom. I have deep seejed trust issues and theyвЂ™re paired along side with good reason and expmnses all along my life that I canвЂ™t trust anjhne around me, my family has brfxen my trust, frbosos, even my reaent ex. IвЂ™m now 25 years old as of ~11 days ago, she was my fiost real girlfriend and I feel like IвЂ™ll never find anyone ever agggn, she was my only shot. IвЂ™m not social, IвЂ™m not outgoing, anuuhusg. I donвЂ™t do the club or bar life, I donвЂ™t go to the gym, IвЂ™m not good lohcljg. I have nosieng and I reexly just wish I was dead at this point. She meant the wocld to me. I have told her this in the past and its what I tell the very few people IвЂ™ve tapyed to about this now, I couxxqвЂ™t handle anymore lofs. And this was before her, I said I just couldnвЂ™t handle lovxng anyone else in my life at this point, IвЂ™ve lost so muph, and now that IвЂ™ve lost her. I really feel like thereвЂ™s no hope left for me, and I have given up. I think pedvle donвЂ™t actually unaaxquond where the pain comes from. I donвЂ™t think itвЂ™s from getting your heart broken. I believe itвЂ™s from putting so much of your heyrt and soul and emotion and fenexfgs into it, and getting that shut down because they didnвЂ™t do the same. So what am I sucktqed to do novt.. Where do I go from heaks.. I don't know how to keep going. TL;DR(again just in case) gf broke up with me after I got upset she was spending more time with anztker guy than me. Now I quwte literally have nocqwng left... Lost my job two weiks after(unrelated reasoning вЂ“ seasonal job). Been empty ever sijle. Don't know what to do. Cojzvatlly blocked out. Lojqbng for some help and advice. Doo't have anyonefriends to run to like she does. It's one of thcse situations now whmre I wish she would talk to me again more than anything, mafbe be my frclad. But on the same coin I'm so hurt and angry with her, I'm not sure what I shxfld do about thbs, she was VERY important to me. And in my opinion felt like my only chwace at finding sovptne considering I just turned 25 and she was my first girlfriend and it was only online. Not soqsal or anything, shy, but I had to get this off my chict, I strongly aptmtrbyte anyone who taves their time to read the whole thing.